Starting to believe it

I'm not sure why I've been avoiding writing lately. I think I just felt very overwhelmed. The kids have been arguing so much lately. It's been more than a week and I just can't take all the angry sentiments. My kids have never 'hated' each other. Now, that is their favorite thing to say. I haven't been reacting to it because I know it is not true, but I worry that the more they say it, the more they may start to believe it.

I've been really upset about Girl Scouts lately. I've dreaded planning every meeting. I just felt like it was this huge burden that I couldn't bear. When we started deschooling I let go of almost all responsibilities and commitments. I wanted us to get back to the bare minimum so we could really focus on being free to learn at will. I equated spontaneity with freedom and Girl Scouts put a huge damper on spontaneity.

I remember, at the time, feeling like I couldn't 'get out' of the responsibility of Girl Scouts. It's not that I didn't love it. It's that I was trying to shed everything and that one commitment suddenly felt like a trap with no foreseeable escape. So I started telling myself it was difficult, time consuming, redundant, and going against all the changes I was trying to make. It was keeping me from being entirely free.

E suggested I do The Work on Girl Scouts. I have never done The Work, but E noticed that I got the book from the library. So I tried it. It was hard, because it is meant to be done on people not really things. If that even makes sense. Anyway, I figured out the origin of my negative thoughts. I had been telling myself that Scouts was a burden and I had started to believe it. In reality, it is not a burden because I love it.

It is amazing how that one negative thought had been paralyzing me every day. I feel so much better now. I'm really looking forward to setting everything up for our next meeting. I'm excited about Scouts again and it feels good.