Practicing Consensual Living

I was way too tired to post last night. So my thoughts on our Zoo Class will have to wait for spring, if we even decide to sign up again. But here's a picture from our class. It is the back of Owen's and Bridget's heads looking at a chinchilla.

Anyway, today I had several opportunities to practice and share my consensual living ideas with the kids. I had planned to get tons of things done today. The kids had other ideas. We're having an extended family picture taken Sunday for my parents' 40th wedding anniversary. I wanted the kids to shower so I could take them to get their haircut (I didn't want to pay the extra money for a wash because their hair was tangled; think colored hairspray) Neither of them like to shower. So rather than forcing my need, I decided to ask them how I could help them get clean. They both wanted to bathe and have me wash their hair for them. I think they enjoyed being pampered and we had the time. It was really fun. I can't believe how long their hair is getting!

Later, I heard them fighting in the basement. I went downstairs to see Bridget holding a Gamecube disc and threatening to scratch it. Owen was almost in tears. I calmed them down by promising that I would make sure that they were happy with the situation. I explained consensual living again and started talking to them about authentic needs. After much discussion and tears, Bridget said she would like Owen to teach her how to play the games so she wouldn't lose all the time. He was very excited to help her. They spent about 30 minutes with him teaching her. Then I heard him say, "Bridget, I think your problem is that you really don't like video games." Her reply was, "I don't like losing. It's too hard. I thought if I watched TV that I would get better at them. All that you do is sit in front of the TV and move your hands." So tonight Bridget discovered that video games are really not as fun to her as they are to him. This time, rather than asking them to be nice to each other (my need) I explained the idea that if you try, you can find a solution that makes everyone happy. They liked the idea of always being happy. Their words became much kinder without me having to ask.

Mediating their disagreements has become easier. I don't have a need at stake, except the need for their safety. The hardest part of consensual living for me is setting aside things that I consider my NEEDS. I don't have anyone to help me mediate, someone to ask me, "Is this an authentic need?" It's very hard to stop myself from forcing my kids to do my will. I keep telling them that I don't want to force them to do what I say, so I am hoping they will start to keep me in check. They have an irritating tendency to point out when my actions are not in line with my words. Now, if I can only start to appreciate that tendency rather than allow it to irritate me.