Fat Lip

Well, what a great first blog. My kids had a fight. Good. I try not to get involved in the details, I just find out if there were any injuries and tend to those. This is one of the areas that I have undergone big changes in the past month. I used to let each kids tell me their side of the story, then I would lay a guilt trip on both of them for being at fault. That usually resulted in each child feeling guilty (but only a little) and angry at the other one for the injustice (no one got punished.) I've told them I do not want to punish (ie. time out, extra chores) anymore. They like that they don't get punished, but are having a hard time with their sibling not getting punished. Hopefully, I can comfort them from the fight they were in (sometimes verbal) and soothe their hurt ego.

Getting back to this evening. I heard a cry upstairs. I went to investigate. They had gotten out of their bed and got into a fist fight. They both started defending their version very loudly. I calmed them down and told them I was concerned about any injuries first. The only damage I saw was a fat lip for my B. I checked her out and went to get her some ice. While I was downstairs, the two of them started calmly talking with each other about what happened. It turned out she was trying to play, but he took her play as confrontational. She realized that it all started with her and apologized for starting the whole thing. He then apologized for mistaking her accident for a threat. They were both crying apologies, feeling a lot guilty, and vowed to try to think of each other in a nicer way. They learned more on their own than they would have ever learned from a talk from me.

This is precisely why I love implementing consensual living. Focusing on people's needs takes the behavior out of the equation. All behavior is because of a need. It is very easy to forgive a child's 'bad' behavior if you understand they are doing it because of an unmet need. I was able to remain calm and not explode at them for fighting and being out of their beds. We are all still very new at this, but it seems to be working very quickly. They're still not asleep, but that is another need...